So, after we went to Kavros and sent the postcards, it became possible to start relaxing. Especially since Andryukha kept repeating the whole first day: "I want to adapt." This amused me quite a bit, because lying on the beach and downing drinkz is a rather entertaining kind of adaptation.
We started drinking right at 11 o'clock, and mind you, I practically hadn't had a drop in my mouth since New Year's, but here once I started, I just didn't stop.
Let me tell you now what the famous "all-inclusive" entails. So, here's what we had food-wise.
1)Breakfast from 7 to 10, lunch from 12 to two, dinner from six (or seven?) to 9. I don't remember the exact numbers, damn sclerosis. More details on all these meals — later.
2)Sodas and instant juices at the beach bar, plus beer, wine, and ice cream there too. All of this from 11 am to 11 pm, unlimited. After that — for money. They also had snacks aka sandwiches there.
3)Lunchbox, meaning a packed lunch to go if you're not eating at the hotel. The lunchbox contained two dry and tasteless submarine sandwiches ("subs"), a pear, and a peach.
4)One alcoholic cocktail per day at the beach bar. We took more, because the bartenders, following regular Cretan traditions, don't sweat the small stuff (+1 to the relaxation piggy bank)
Since we started drinking in the morning at the beach bar, I'll tell you about it. 
About the sodas: worse than Coke and Sprite, but tolerable, you can drink them, especially when you ask for extra ice. Unlike Americans, the locals absolutely do not respect ice: they don't have a special machine endlessly producing it, they drag it either from the kitchen or just from the fridge. But having gotten used to ice in the USA, I eat it by the kilogram in the heat. A couple of days in, I'd already trained the bartenders to my habits: they put ice everywhere for me, including in the wine. You could say it's a faux pas, but for aristocrats even drinking such wine is a faux pas, and it doesn't suit us commoners to play the snob: we don't have the money.
About the beer: I didn't try it, but the folks said it's totally drinkable. In principle, it's the same with the wine: excellent table wine. In the sense that you can drink a lot of it, it doesn't have a strong flavor that gets cloying, and the proof seems lower than wine should be. I don't know if that's actually true, but I liked the wine, and that's mostly what I drank: both white and red. Just like in the Middle Ages: even kids drank wine and beer because the water was dirty and full of bacteria (even though they didn't know what bacteria were).
As for the juices, they were instant, like the soda, from cartridges with concentrate plugged into a special machine. The taste was pretty nightmarish, though a bit better than the perestroika-era "Yupi". When I got completely sick of the sodas, I drank these "juices" too, especially since you still can't drink enough wine to quench your thirst all day with it. The only natural juice they had was tomato in the cafeteria, and even then probably because hardly anyone drinks it.
About the staff. As it turned out later, two of the female bartenders were Russian — one from North Ossetia (not to be confused with South), the other I don't remember. They were also teaching a third one Russian (apparently a local). There was also a fun Turkish guy who joked and was a riot more than he poured. But he was a riot even in Russian — what a champ! I hope to write more about him later, though.
By the way, when the bellboy carried my suitcase up to the room, I gave him a euro because experienced buddies who had been to mass resorts before taught me to do so. He grinned from ear to ear — no wonder, seeing as my room was right next to the lobby, and he didn't have to carry it anywhere, except maybe take the elevator up to the second floor. So I could've just not given him the euro. I left a euro on the pillow for the maids too. I could have left two, but the inner cheapskate wouldn't let me. As for the rest of the staff — as the narrative unfolds.
By the way, before I forget — at the entrance to the pool area hung a sign: "topless only on the beach, not allowed in the pool". I think I took a picture of it, but I can't find it. This, however, didn't stop the German women from lounging topless on the deck chairs by the pool as well. And although the guests were mostly middle-aged, or even elderly, the majority of the topless ladies didn't cause annoyance with sagging secondary sexual characteristics: either the ugly ones were shy and didn't flaunt them, or silicone is cheap in Europe these days.
So, the first day went by in a relaxed way, as did the rest, for that matter. Surprisingly, even if you do nothing, time goes somewhere. Then again, our first day started at 7 am, and therefore it was really very, very long.